Spring is especially terrible for people who hate spiders, because this is when spiders come out of their spider-hibernation (I have no clue what they do in winter) and think to themselves "there is nothing that I would enjoy more than ruining your life with my presence!" So they spider their way into some tiny hole in your house that you didn't know existed, wait until you're completely incapable of properly dealing with a spider incursion, and then make themselves known to you.
What they do after making themselves known varies. I've included a list of the most common spider types, illustrated with non-offensive doodles. Or at least, as non-offensive as anything regarding spiders could ever be. Though, they're kind of adorable.
Average Spider
The Average Spider is average. It is not particularly large, small, fast, slow, nor does it posses any supernatural spider-talents.Severity with which it must be killed: Average severity
Tiny Spider
The Tiny Spider can be difficult to spot. Tiny Spiders typically mean you no harm, and wish only to build their tiny webs and catch tiny bugs. However, Tiny Spiders are incredibly unaware of their surroundings and the fact that everything is fucking huge compared to them. This leads them to go on inadvertent suicide missions, such as descending in front of your face or crawling on your arm.Severity with which they must be killed: Killing is not necessary unless the spider approaches. Then the killing should be done with a patronizing air, as if the spider should have known better.
Fast Spider
Upon first glance, a Fast Spider can be confused for an Average Spider. A Fast Spider will often sit in one place for a period of time, before taking off at a speed that should not be physically possible for a spider to attain. You will watch in vain as the spider climbs out of your reach and sight.Severity with which it must be killed: STOMP THE FUCKER! That'll teach it to run from such a big, powerful being. Fuck you, spider.
The Hiding Spider
The Hiding Spider is a subspecies existing in every species of spider known to man. Any spider can (and given the chance, will) turn into a Hiding Spider. However, there exists a "pure bred" Hiding Spider that is not an off-shoot of any other spider species. These pure bred Hiding Spiders can only be seen for seconds at a time before they make their way out of sight, and presumably into a portal leading to another dimension, as you will never ever fucking find them again.Severity with which they must be killed: If you can find it, intense severity. Don't fucking hide from me, spider. Fuck you.
Aggressive Spider
This spider thinks it can take you on.Completely unaware of its size in comparison to you, this spider believes it can take you down. Being of such a belief, this spider will do stupid things such as bite you, chase you, or raise its tiny spider fisticuffs to challenge you to a duel.
The only comfort in knowing such spiders exist is to imagine that one of them will suddenly realize the gravity of such a situation and piss itself in fear.
Do spiders piss?
Severity with which it must be killed: All the Raid in the house. Set it on fire for good measure. Don't fuck with me, spider. I'm bigger than you.
...Spider?
Like the missing link of the spider kingdom, this abomination of nature will just waltz right into your bathroom, made cocky by its "unique" appearance.Is it a spider? Or is it some kind of strange beetle? No, wait, I think it's an ant. No, there's... does this motherfucker have seven legs?
Severity with which it must be killed: Oh god, what is it, just kill it. Kill it kill it kill it.
Giant Spider
The Michael Moores of the spider world, these fatties can at first intimidate with their size. However, upon further observation it becomes clear that they're not really capable of doing much. Except eating, they're really good at that. So as long as they don't decide to eat you, you're good.Severity with which they must be killed: Mild. Unless they're trying to eat you. Then you should probably kill them.
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